Come on. Cake.

True story: I feel asleep last night (basically comaed out) after an hour-long fit of hysterical laughter brought on by reading damnyouautocorrect.com. As an iPhone user, the site is basically every text conversation I’ve ever had. My sister has become so skilled at deciphering my texts that the occasional use of the work of “vaginal” instead of “annual” doesn’t even phase her anymore. Though, on occasion when the predictive text just won’t stop fucking with me, she does have to ask, “Um, have you just have a stroke?” So, this is sort of a long way of saying I’m sorry I didn’t have a post up this morning. Instead, please let me gift you with the joy of laughter. First enjoy a few very funny, very charming ladies. And then, because laughing like a drunken monkey at your screen while co-workers look on is a rite of passage in this Internet age, please enjoy a couple choice examples from damnyouautocorrect.com. You’re gonorrhea.

Hillary Clinton

When Hillary turns on the charm, it dazzles. Also, I would happily write a thank you note were anyone to send me gravy chips. Just sayin’.

Tina Fey

Finally, a definitive end to the cake or pie questions. (My better half Tina won the Mark Twain Prize for Comedy this week, which will air Sunday on PBS. Swoon.)

From Damn You, Auto Correct!
[Click to embiggen the L to the OLs]
Anal birds really are the worst.

Purple Pride

People have criticized the “It Gets Better” project. They say it’s idle words and cold comfort for kids who are hurting now. But it’s much more than that. It’s a community coming together for a community that isn’t always easy to find when you’re new. It’s a community showing those who are just realizing who they are what it looks like to finally figure it out fully. It’s a community reassuring each other that, yes, we have all been there and, yes, it does really get better.

It’s also those who support our community showing us what it means to be an ally. Yesterday, our biggest straight ally to date stepped in to the conversation. Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released an “It Gets Better” video. Before you watch, I want you to think about the magnitude and significance of this – a sitting Secretary of State filming a message of support intended specifically for GLBT youth. That’s a powerful message from someone with real power.

Oh, Hillary. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love you more.

Today is also Spirit Day, a day to remember GLBT youth who have tragically taken their lives and rally to end anti-gay bullying. I admit, I’m not wearing purple. I wore my one purple shirt to work on Monday and, alas, do not own another. (It was my high school color, and no one wants to be reminded too much of the days when you were forced to look like a grape while dealing with acne and adolescence.) But I’ve changed my Twitter profile for the day. And I know each time I think about Hillary’s support, I’ll swell with purple pride. It does get better, and it will because so many people – like Hillary, like everyone else who has recorded a video – care enough to make sure it does.

Cocktail hour

Emma Thompson got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last weekend. So, naturally, she celebrated with a pint and a pig. Naturally. Now, my love for Emma is unwavering. She may falter at times, but her heart is always unquestionably in the right place – even when she is talking smack about Audrey Hepburn. She is among those celebrities I put in my “I’d love to have a beer with” category. I mean, wouldn’t she be a blast at the bar? These are the folks whose big, magnificent brains and bubbly, radiant sense of fun make them the perfect candidates for a cocktail, or six.

Emma ThompsonSuch a pity her Safe website is still down. That last picture of her would have been a real conversation starter.

Helen MirrenIf you think she is a saucy minx sober, just wait until you get a couple cocktails into her.

Wanda SykesMy only worry is I’d laugh so hard I’d pee my pants, especially after a few drinks.

Rachel MaddowI believe it’s a life goal to taste a drink mixed by the master.

Jane LynchThat stuff I said about Wanda, ditto.

Leisha HaileyAnd if she brought along Kate Moennig and Erin Daniels, all the better.

Hillary ClintonOh, Hill. I will buy you a drink anyplace, anytime, anywhere. Standing offer, forever.

My (and My Friends’) Decade Crushes

Well, kittens, another decade is almost in the books. My mind can’t quite wrap around the fact that it’s been 10 years since everyone was convinced the world would grind to a halt with Y2K. Heck, I bet some poor misguided souls are still working through their stockpiles of pork and beans. As with any milestone year, one tends to reflect. I’ll be on vacation through the end of the year (don’t worry, I’ll be posting Vacation Vixens to tide you over). But before I left I wanted to give you My Decade Crushes. Now, these aren’t just pretty ladies – granted, many are in very, very pretty indeed. But these are the entertainers and entertainment that personified everything I loved about these past ten years. They, quite simply, made my decade.

The aughts (now there’s a term I’m happy to say goodbye to) have been a decade of change, discovery and growth for me. I started this blog. I stopped getting a healthy amount of sleep. And I met and befriended a bunch of wonderful, generous and ridiculously talented ladies. Given the magnitude of this occasion, I thought I’d bring a couple along with me. My good friends, fellow AfterEllen.com bloggers and all-around amazing gals StuntDouble and The Linster were gracious enough to share their decade crushes with us as well. So please enjoy, and feel share your Decade Crushes with us as well. There’s a lot of crush-worthy material to cover in 10 years, we need all the help we can get.

StuntDouble

1. J.K. Rowling: I spent most of the last decade reading Harry Potter, standing in line at midnight to buy Harry Potter, standing in line at midnight to watch Harry Potter, and proselytizing my faith in Harry Potter to anyone who would listen. But mostly my faith was in J.K. Rowling. She changed the color of the world. She's a magic-maker.

2. Harry Potter movies: Harry Potter movies are a different kind of magic than Harry Potter books. What the Potter franchise has managed to do in keeping an entire cast and crew of Britain's finest together for eight movies is unprecedented. Every actor that participated in the franchise seemed destined to become a witch or wizard. Alan Rickman as Snape? Dame Maggie Smith as Professor McGonogall? Emma Thompson as Professor Trelawney? Inspired, all of it.

[Lots of empty space, because I don't think anything deserves a place near Potter on a best of the decade list.]

3. Friends: The second half of Friends happened in this decade, and in it we got The One Where Everyone Finds Out (Phoebe: "My eyes! My eyes!"), The One in Vegas (Rachel: "Hello, Vegas? We need some more alcohol, and also some more beers."), The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (Melissa: "I don’t hear coconuts banging together. I don’t ... picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go."), and so much more. I've watched every episode at least ten times, except the finale. That one made me cry too much.

4. Pixar: Lots of people think Pixar's magic is in the animation; I think their magic is in the way they've learned how to tell a perfect story.

5. The West Wing: There were times during the Bush Administration when the only thing keeping me from actually losing my mind was watching The West Wing, and pretending that President Bartlet was the actual president of America.

6. Arrested Development: The only lingering problem I have with Arrested Development is that every time I dream about Portia de Rossi, Ron Howard narrates.

7. The Daily Show: The Daily Show was the beginning of something revolutionary. It's not fake news. It's legitimate, actual news that cuts through the bullshit and mocks the most deserving. Jon Stewart is a champion of gay rights because he's a champion of logic.

8. Josh Schwartz: Here are the things Josh Schwartz is responsible for: The O.C., Gossip Girl, Chuck, Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Band of Horses, Stars, Iron and Wine, The Walkmen and The Killers (just to name a few). Clear channel was buying and homogenizing radio when Schwartz had the idea to save the music. He did. And he gave us Blair Waldorf.

9. John Mayer: It seems like I fall in love every time a new John Mayer album comes out. Causation or coincidence? Not sure, but it means he makes the list.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean movies: Captain ... Captain Jack Sparrow. (Oh, and um, Elizabeth ... Elizabeth Swann.)

The Linster

1. The L Word: I have loved and hated the L Word, often at the same time. But having a show about "us" was amazing and affirming.

2. Ellen DeGeneres: An out lesbian with a successful talk show is remarkable. And as time goes on, Ellen gets more and more vocal about LGBT issues -- and the world still loves her. Now most everyone in the country "knows a lesbian." That makes voting against us difficult. Portia is like icing on a lesbian cake. And lesbian cake is damn tasty.

3. Televised women's basketball: WNBA parity and Title IX resulted more national broadcasts of women's pro and college basketball. I can almost always find a game on TV now -- and women's basketball is one of my favorite things in life.

4. Snarky news: The Daily Show changed the way we got our news by presenting its absurd side, even while getting the facts correct. Now politicians line up to be put on the spot by Stewart and Colbert. TDS paved the way for Rachel Maddow, who can undercut a newsmaker with the cock of an eyebrow and refuses to back down on what she knows to be true. Watching news used to be a chore for me; now I look forward to it. And I'm better informed on what's going on in the world than I ever have been.

5. West Wing: WW was just great television. Right after 9/11, the show tossed its season opener to shoot a new episode, knowing the impact it would have. The show occasionally got preachy, but it set the stage for some of the best dramas in TV history. And it totally stands up to repeat watching. (Not to mention that Allison Janney was on every week.)

6. Cable dramas: The number of well drawn, well acted sequential dramas on cable during this decade is amazing -- and I loved most all of them. The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Big Love, The Shield, Damages, Dexter and many more. I love shows that give me the "I can't wait to see what happens next" feeling at the end of every episode. Some, like Six Feet Under, can sustain it for the entire run of the show. (And the series finale of Six Feet Under might have been the best episode of TV ever.)

7. Pixar, especially Finding Nemo, WALL-E and Up: Now, learning that a movie is animated does not mean it's kid fare. Plus, the writing and design are so good that I see something new every time I watch.

8. Tina Fey, in all her glory: She wrote and acted in so many things that I love that I won't even try to name them. As Palin, she totally changed the election, IMO, just by being so true to Palin that nobody could dismiss it. Tina is a genius. Her adorableness is a bonus.

9. Hillary Clinton: Corny as it sounds, Hillary was like a lighthouse for women, leading us to trust our own power. She was brilliant, graceful and, yes, beautiful throughout the election, losing her cool from time to time but refusing to apologize for being who she is. I still wish she were president, although she probably has accomplished more as Secretary of State than she could've as Commander in Chief. In any case, she served as proof to every little girl in the country that women truly are equal in every way to men. And in many cases, superior.

10. Dorothy Snarker: This isn't really a suck-up, because Ms. Snarker represents a whole network of brilliant and funny women I've met through the Internet, many of whom have become good friends. The Web is marvelous and terrifying all at once, but I honestly can't remember how I got along without it. And I am quite grateful to discover that the world has plenty of people, especially lesbians, who are as weird and pop-culture-obsessed as I am. And, of course, our Dorothy is the best of the best.
[Editor’s Note: I in no way paid her to say that. Though, hypothetically, do you prefer large or small bills, Linster?]

Dorothy Snarker

1. Tina Fey: Please, you knew this was coming. Tina is everything I love in a woman: smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, goofy, hard-working and a big nerd in high school. Never leave us, Tina Fey. The world would be a less bright place without you – and I mean that both in the light source and big brain senses.

2. The L Word: As much and as loudly and as justifiably we yelled about everything that was wrong with this show, I am still undeniably grateful it existed in the first place. We sometimes forget how important it is to have our lives – even much more glitzy, glamorous versions of our lives – reflected back to us. This show reminded us, and then there were also a lot of hot chicks kissing.

3. Ellen DeGeneres: Who would have guessed that this charming lady with the funny last name would become America’s most beloved daytime talk show host. (Note: Oprah is revered, not necessarily beloved – don’t crush me Oprah.) She is everyone’s lesbian next door with the smoking hot wife. Now that’s progress.

4. Pixar: Nothing soothed our inner child this decade better than Pixar. When we were blue, they reminded us to just keep swimming. When we felt lonely, they reminded us that it only took a moment to be loved a whole life long. And when we didn’t know what we were searching for, they reminded us squirrel!

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Granted, this started in the 1997, but I didn’t really start to watch in earnest until early 2000. This show informed so much of what I still want from my TV today: zippy dialogue, gratuitous pop culture references, pathos, snarkiness, vampires, lesbians and girls in leather pants kicking ass. Also, she saved the world – a lot.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Some movies are like a gift left on your pillow on a day that isn’t anywhere near your birthday. It’s completely unexpected. It seems a little weird. It has you confused at first. But when you open it, the contents fill you with such joy you know you’ll remember it forever.

7. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Let’s face it, most of the 00s were spent with an idiot for president and Dr. Evil for vice president. These were not the best of political times. Without Jon, I don’t think most liberals – or just sane people – would have made it through those eight years. He was an oasis of clarity and chuckles. If we can’t laugh we’ll cry has never been more true. And he will forever be the perfect definition of irony: A comedy new anchor who becomes the most trusted newsman in America. Walter Cronkite might not have approved, but I’ll sure bet he laughed.

8. David Sedaris: Whenever I need to be reminded how much harder I have to work at this writing thing, I just crack open any Sedaris book and laugh out loud (the real kind, not the damn acronym). Wickedly smart, painfully observant and just funny as fucking hell, Sedaris writes what I love to read. Also, unexpected bonus, reading his books helps tone the abs – all that deep belly laughing, you know.

9. Lost in Translation: If you want to fall back in love with the art and craft of movie making, pop in this movie. You might also fall in love with Scarlett Johansson and/or Tokyo, too. Just a warning.

10. Meryl Streep: It seems almost a crime to put Meryl at No. 10. But it’s just that her resume is so long, it’s hard to pick a decade where she shouldn’t be on everyone’s list. Though, one could argue that the 00s were one of her best and for sure her most commercially successful. Her talent goes unparalleled, but what is really remarkable is that at 60 she is still playing the romantic lead in major motion pictures. I’ll never stop swooning over you, Meryl. Ever.

Though, kittens – and I say this without irony or cynicism or snark – to be perfectly honest, you all made my decade. Thank you, as always and unendingly, for coming back day after day. Thanks for reading and commenting and sharing your opinions and arguments and pieces of your lives. You’ve made me think and laugh and feel just a little less alone on this big hunk of rock hurtling itself around the sun. Happy decade, all.

Free at last

Good news is hard to find these days, so let’s revel in it today. Jailed American journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee came home today into the eager arms of their families after more than four months imprisoned in North Korea. We can get into the who did what when and how later. Right now, just feel this love.

It’s OK, don’t be ashamed to cry; it’s the good kind of cry. I should have told you to have Kleenex ready beforehand. Afterward, Laura, whose sister is the American television journalist Lisa Ling, spoke to the media. This time I will warn you; Kleenex, people.

What an amazing turnaround for the two women who in June were sentenced to 12 years of hard labor in a North Korea prison camp for allegedly straying across the border into the country while working on a report for Current TV. Since their capture four and a half months ago their families have kept up a tireless campaign to have them released.

You see the thing is, diplomacy works. Yesterday former Pres. Bill Clinton made a surprise trip to North Korea to secure the release of jailed journalists and, well, it worked. Of course, Bill didn’t act alone. He went with the implicit blessing and careful planning of Pres. Obama, Sec. Hillary Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore and the families of the imprisoned women. But it was good old Bill who came, saw, negotiated and less than 20 hours later flew home with the now pardoned and free journalists in tow. Admit it, you miss the hell out of Bill.

The only thing that pisses me off about this story? How some have already made this a “Bill Overshadows Hillary!” story. Talk about your news judgment fail. This is a “Thank God These Women Are Home Safely” story, period. OK, it’s also kind of a “Bill Clinton Is Still the Man” story. But I don’t think anyone – even the wingnuttiest of wingnutty Hillary haters – can honestly believe that Hillary is sitting by herself seething at this moment. She is overjoyed, as are we all. Welcome home, ladies. And thanks, Bubba.

SGALGG: First Lady Edition

Oh, hell, why not bring back all the old favorites this week? Though, out of respect for the subject matter today I guess I should rename today's post Straight First Lady of the United States Acting Like a Gay First Lady of the United States. You know, SFLOTUSALGFLOTUS. Wow, that acronym needs its own zip code. Watching First Lady Michelle Obama and her husband take the globe by storm this past week has been a true pleasure, and not just for the lovely, lovely photo ops. While I still stand by my earlier assessment, I'm more than happy to compare and contrast in the name of international relations. [Hat tip, Virgotex!] And while we're on the subject of relations, I greatly approve of the European tradition of greeting with a kiss. Greatly.

Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni-SarkozyMake love, not war, illustrated.

Michelle totally looks like she's picking Carla up for a date.

Among the many, many reasons more women should be world leaders: international summits would look like this.

Michelle Obama and Hillary ClintonI can't be the only one screaming “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” at my screen right now.

Besides holding hands, Michelle and Hillary enjoy walking on the beach, watching sunsets and working on education policy reform.

Michelle Obama and Queen Elizabeth IIWhen even the Queen can't resist a little snuggle, you know your first lady is hot.

Lather, rinse, repeat

One of the many things I love about Hillary Clinton (and please realize that the list is long and impressive and substantial before we even get to this one thing) is her hair. Yes, her hair. It's not that she has don't-hate-me-because-I'm-beautiful hair, per se. It's because she has real hair. You never know exactly what you're going to get. Girlfriend is like us. Some days her hair is all, "Get it, girl!" and other days her hair is all, "Girl, no." It's just so endearing it makes me want to hug her and talk about health care reform.

Now I realize the inherent pitfalls in talking about such an accomplished woman's hair. No one talks about President Obama's hair (it's lovely and the salt and pepper only make it more so) or John McCain's lack of hair (it's less lovely, considerably so). This discussion of hair is in no way a requisite when discussing women. I loathe how women's bodies and dress are more critiqued than men's, as much as I loathe myself for sometimes falling into the same sorry gender traps. This discussion isn't meant as a substitute for something substantive. And my lack of discussion of men's appearance on these pages can largely be attributed to my lack of discussion of men on these pages, period. I talk about the ladies, that's what I do.

So, now that all that's been said, seriously – the hair. Some days it's sleek and fabulous. Some days it's poofy and helmety. Other days it's flat and exhausted. It's hair, like our hair. Good hair days, bad hair days. It's not perfect, it's real. I love that. I also love that for the most part, except for idiots like me who insist on pointing it out, folks don't care. That's how it should be. That women and men are equal should be unquestioned. That women and men are different is also simply a fact. We can celebrate our differences while not belittling our unequivocal isonomy.

And with that, how about a look at our most distinguished Madame Secretary's hair. Why? Because I love her and her hair and the fucking fantastic brain that sits underneath it all. Also, honey, what's happening in that fourth picture? Girl, no.

Go ahead, underestimate me, sucker.Kind of a hard water day, huh.I have no idea where those lesbian rumors come from.Wait, I didn't know Hill played football.Even a Yale Law grad, First Lady, U.S. Senator and Secretary of State can pick the wrong conditioner.Get it, girl!

This is the story of America

“If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If there's shouting after you, keep going. Don't ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.” --Hillary Clinton on Harriet Tubman

Life moves forward, whether we're ready or not. Time passes, seasons change, the world just keeps going. But – after last night – one thing is abundantly, unquestionably clear: Hillary Clinton is ready to move forward. She has moved forward. She knows we must move forward. She knows we can't afford four more years of the last eight years. Her speech last night was nothing short of masterful. But then I never doubted it, or her, in the first place. I was part of her sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits. I watched her the entire primary process. I voted for her with uninhibited pride. I felt my heart break a little with her loss. But, that's life. You win, you lose – either way you have to keep going.

I wasn't in this campaign just for Hillary. I was in this campaign for a better America. I believed she could deliver that better America. But I believe that Barack Obama can, too. In fact, I know he can. He must. The disappointment may still be real, but the realities are impossible to ignore. Two wars. A deepening recession. A staggering chasm between the rich and poor. A dangerously warming planet. Continually eroding civil liberties. Families losing their homes. Children without health care. This is why I was in this campaign. I was in this campaign because I wanted all of that to change. I wanted finally to feel like our country was on the right track again. I wanted again to show the greatness that can exist within the hearts of everyday citizens. History is made not just by the winners, but all those who worked tirelessly along the way to pave the road. So, now, we keep fighting. Keep believing. Keep going. This is the story of America, and it's a great one.

Not invisible to us

I feel a lot of things about the Democratic primary process. Sadness. Pride. Anger. Relief.

I am in awe of the history we Democrats have made. I voted for Hillary Clinton in my primary. I will vote for Barack Obama in the general election. That will represent two firsts in my voting lifetime: my first vote for a legitimate female presidential candidate and my first vote for a legitimate African-American presidential candidate. Thanks to them, American presidential politics looks a little more like America.

And while the significance of this moment in our nation’s racial reconciliation will be written about in history books from here until eternity, I can’t help but feel a lingering ache about what the history books will no doubt ignore. And what they will ignore is this. Many, many women in America feel hurt by this primary process. We feel berated. We feel marginalized. We feel – as Hillary mentioned in her final primary speech Tuesday – invisible.

And as news of Hillary’s impending concession on Friday makes the rounds, we can’t help but think that many, many men in America are thinking: “Yes, we’re finally rid of that woman!” Or to put their sentiments less charitably (but possibly more accurately): “Thank God, the bitch is gone!”

The misogyny that has existed in this campaign is not a question. There is no, “Was there sexism in the primary process?” That is simply a part of a large chunk of the rhetoric and coverage we were bombarded with every day.

It was there in the depiction of Hillary to every man’s first wife in probate court. It was there in the oh-so-charming Hillary nutcracker. It was there in the she-devil graphics. It was there in the comparisons to Glenn Close’s psychotic stalker in “Fatal Attraction.” It was there in the insistence, for months and months, that she should quit even while she was still winning. (For the masochists among us, relive the greatest “hits” on Shakesville’s excellent 104-part Hillary Sexism Watch series. And then to feel better read Melissa’s terrific “For the Record.”)

She handled all of that with grace and strength, just as Obama handled the racist attacks against him with grace and strengths. I refuse to play the “my otherness is more important than your otherness”-game. No African-American or woman has ever run as the major party candidate in a presidential election, let alone been elected. Yes, both made mistakes and, at times, played the otherness card. Yes, there was mismanagement and missteps in Hillary’s campaign. But no amount of strategizing can overcome a problem that people simply refuse to admit exists.

I feel the media’s coverage and presidential primary became a de facto referendum on the question of whether we still have gender discrimination in this country. And I feel like we lost the argument. It’s not they’re right and we’re wrong. It’s that too many people just didn’t want to hear it. What are you talking about, woman? You’re equal enough, honey. Love the paintsuit, babe.

What I mostly feel tonight is exhausted. I feel emotionally drained and I feel a little ashamed at my relief. Yes, I wanted Hillary to win. But after seeing the bruising, relentless, unabashed negation of the very concept that there might still be sexism in our culture, I’m tired of fighting. I know I shouldn’t feel this defeated by the bludgeoning blowhards who insists it’s our problem, not theirs. But I am.

While emailing back and forth with friends Tuesday about Obama’s clinching the nomination, one mirrored my feelings perfectly. She said at least they won’t have Hillary to kick around anymore. I’m glad she won’t have to face the assault anymore. I’m glad I won’t have to hear it anymore. But I hope that amid her own disappointment she has the time to feel proud of what she has accomplished. Record-breaking turnout. Unprecedented number of votes. Nearly half of all Democrats. She has earned the right to celebrate her successes and thank her supporters. She has earned our respect.

Often, while reading about Hillary’s supporters and successes, I was surprised by my own visceral reaction to each accomplishment. In a way, it felt like Hillary’s success was my success. That her triumph was our triumph. Maybe that highest and hardest glass ceiling she spoke of could finally be shattered. I can’t tell you the number of times I got a lump in my throat thinking both of her supporters born before women even had the chance to vote and the next generation looking to her as an example of the limitless possibilities of our gender. When done right, politics is and will always be deeply personal.

What the history books will probably fail to mention is the incredible impact her candidacy has had on women in this country. While I feel disillusioned and worn out today, I hope that ache soon will be filled with a pride and determination that a woman can and will be president in my lifetime. And when she takes the oath of office, if it’s not Hillary herself, I hope she thanks Hillary for blazing the trail and taking the hits.

I’m proud I got to vote for her. I am proud of her. Thanks, Hillary.